Through the Looking Glass

I wrote an old friend today and felt myself getting caught up in his life. The freedom he has. Waking every day to work his dream job. To live in Venice beach. A place I once longed to live. Surrounded by creative, health conscious people. Going to yoga. Having a social life. Going to bars and parties. Its a sensation I feel a lot lately.

Recently, I feel as if I cannot even breathe when I think about my life. I feel so completely trapped. My children always need me. I am unable to pee without children ripping toilet paper to shreds, attempting to dive into an empty bath tub or go through the garbage, grab a toilet scrubber, or go through drawers. If I shut the door I’m subjected to blood curdling screams. I see adults alone in public or with a friend and I crave my youth. My youth I all too easily took for granted. Always wanting something different. Unable to fully appreciate the moment.

At this time it feels near impossible to appreciate the moment. And yet, I know thatmany people would give anything for what I have. I have true love in a partner. The type of love that is beyond what you ask for and more than you deserve. I fell into it, no pun intended. And although in this time my partner and I are deep in the trenches of soul shattering self discovery brought on by years of fucked up family stuff and the battles of parenting, we maintain a true connection untouched by the earthquakes around us.

And it seems impossible to understand, even for myself, why I want to run from my beautiful girls nearly every week. Many people would give anything to have two healthy, thriving kids and I find them to be some of the most annoying, soul sucking creatures on the earth at least 10 times a day.

As I write this I understand it is glaringly clear that I need balance and peace in my life. That nothing is actually wrong other than 4 years of 100% devotion to others and zero time spent nurturing myself. Which brings me back to looking longingly through my friend’s window. I don’t really want his life. I just really appreciate where he is at in his life. I could not appreciate it when I was there. And if I could give any advice to him that he would take it would be to sit in these moments and feel them. Take them in with each breath and store the peace, contentment, and satisfaction deep inside. So that when he has kids, or someone he knows is dying or he is going through any of the million stressful possibilities life has to offer, he can always tap into that piece of who he is.

More importantly, I’m really trying to appreciate where I am. I am home with my beautiful, healthy, energetic, strong willed, boundary testing, mischief making girls. I spend a ton of time with my amazing partner whom works his ass off for our family. We live an, overall, comfortable life. The grass is not necessarily greener on my side or my friend’s. It’s just a different grass. And I like grass. Not any one kind in particular. Except Bermuda grass. That stuff itches.

So I guess it comes down to taking my own advice. It is time for me to sit in these moments and feel them deep. Take them in with each breath and store the smiles, giggles, kisses and cuddles. Because soon the kids will be grown and the house will be quiet and I will have time. And I may even feel lonely. Then I can tap into these memories and fill my heart and soul with the wild, crazy, anything but peaceful moments.

Because I need my 28 year old single, free spirited self as much today as I will need my 35 year old, overwhelmed self in a few years. It all goes around and eventually comes back. Regardless if you have kids, stay single, get married, get divorced. Its just different grass. Some have winter rye and some have Kentucky blue. Just like today when I left the house with the girls and it was sunny and warm and we were in shirts only to arrive at the destination and it was pouring buckets of hail and rain and dark. Once we got home, my husband texted to see how we were. I told him, “It’s sunny again. We survived.” And so it goes. Every phase has its ebs and flows. Yet looking back you are always younger in the photos. Capturing the magic of each snapshot so the album is one of fondness is what I want.