The Time of the Alien

To be in the world surrounded by humans that want to be robots. The world feels as if it is closing in even though my soul expands to other realms. Why is it all or nothing? Wrapped in my thoughts and through my mind. I have so much to say and nothing to say at all. The thoughts enter my brain and lose meaning before they reach my mouth. Say something. I tell myself. Say anything. Just say it. I don’t even remember what brings me joy or if I’ve ever felt joy before. What is before? When is before? Why do I care? I think I came here to see the trees. To feel them and be with them. I came here to swim in the ocean. I came here to smell rosemary and creosote. I came here to crunch dry mud under my feet in the desert. I came here to let the wind blow past my face and take my breath away. I came here to bite your lower lip and to feel your love crush my thoughts and take me back to my soul. I tinker in what to do to fill the time between my why’s. I dabble in shifting energy. I dabble in showing you how you are everything and nothing and that that is everything and nothing. I pretend to want to teach you what I do not know until our eyes meet. I have a boredom and apathy towards your lack of knowing and thinking you let lead you. I yearn to live in the space that most people don’t even recognize. The place of waves and winds and the place where all coalesce into star dust. I yearn to go home. I’m homesick for a place I do not consciously remember. I’m homesick for my soul’s memory. I’m so bound up here. Tight, worried, in pain, restricted. Aware of every corner of my embodiment. I am homesick for my ethereal self. And yet if I was there, which I am, I would not be able to smell the trees. Do you know how to walk on the honey and not attract the bees? Do you even know what that means? Do you know how to live in the nonsense and not seek understanding? Do you know how to be where you are when you don’t know who you are? Just be. Be present. No memory. No thought of a future. Just here in this moment. Forgetting all there was and will be. And then you are now. And that is all that there is.